I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't think that what you're thinking right now is what I was trying to say. I'm not one of those cynical people who are so self-absorbed that they believe they've figured out how life (and theirs in particualar) really is and that it's ultimately sad and hopeless. Although, from my statement, I guess it really could be seen as though I'm one of them. I'll try and iron out the differences as clearly as I can between what I meant that statement to mean and what it may have led you to believe about me.
My mind never shuts off, never leaves me alone. No matter how many or how few events take place over the course of a day, and hour, a minute; my mind finds a way to construct these progressively complicated vicious cycles of excessive thought that – ultimately- don't lead to any kind of resolution. It's like watching a bunch of movies halfway without ever finding out how they end. I have no control over this, it's one of those things I've recognized is inherent to me and I've accepted it rather than let join the hideous party of ideas and ramblings that seem to permanently reside within the tired recesses of my mind and/or brain.
I don't know if it's ADD (attention deficit disorder) or the exact polar opposite of it – me not knowing more than the most basics regarding the disease (or is it a condition?). Whatever it is I have (or maybe it doesn't even have a name, maybe I'm just weird), I tend to think of it as being something very much like anti-ADD (yet the condition itself thinks itself to death (via a series of proverbial “loops” and “twists”) until it somehow comes to be that “yes, while it could be ADD, it very well could also be the opposite of ADD). *1 (it's an endnote, click on it now)
The idea being that this mental condition of mine has something very important to do with me uttering the phrase “I don't think I'll ever be happy,” which I kind of regret repeating because I feel that I've taken you back to the original feeling you got when you first saw it (which I've been trying to explain is probably incorrect (with respects to what you think about me). So now I feel like everything I've said since then has been in vain (with respects to taking you from that original feeling to the correct one that we'll hopefully soon arrive at).
And now I really feel like I must admit something to you (the reader) which may or may not turn you completely off to continue reading this. It's one of those things that I knew before writing this and can no longer keep from you due to feelings of insincerity, dishonesty, and concealment that have just recently sprung up in my psyche. The idea being that by simply changing one word in the phrase “I don't think I'll ever be happy again,” I could more efficiently have you understand what I actually feel when I utter the aforementioned phrase. And in that same spirit of honesty and openness I've just decided to establish with you (the reader), I'll go agead and admit that I didn't want to admit this (that the phrase needs only one word chance and not all this drivel you're currently being subjected to) to you (the reader) because it was part of a greater plan to show you something behind the scenes while I told you about it up front. *2
Which I don't know if it would've worked out but that was the idea anyway. So not that I've been completely candid about everything with you (the reader), I can tell you how I really feel when I say the phrase. It's more like I can't ever see my mind slowing down enough to be happy with what I have. It's kind of a mixture of mental greed with a parental demand of unrealistic expectations regarding whatever it is that I'm considering makes me happy or not. No matter what, it can always be better. It's not dissimilar to the phenomenon of guys cheating on their unbelievable hot, super sexy, supermodel-type girlfriends. No matter how good you have it, you can always (at least in your head) do better. We always want what we don't have, as they say.
So that's what I feel is going on in my mind that allows me to utter the phrase “I don't think I'll ever be happy.” I feel a sense of completion and accomplishment now that you better understand (hopefully) what's really going on when I say that phrase.
Again, since we're operating (you (the reader) and I) in an atmosphere of sincerity and honesty, I feel I should admit that I was unsure as to whether or not I would tell you what the simple word change that needed to be applied to the phrase was – in order to avoid all these sentences and pages I've written. Part of me wants to – on some level – keep something from the reader after having given all of me and basically bared my soul. But I realize it would be a pretty shitty move since you probably kept on reading to the end on the sole notion that I would – at some point – reveal it. To kind of end the “what is it?” drama. So with little fanfare=
“I don't think I'll ever be content ”
There it is, sorry it took so long, but you know it's that whole anti-ADD, or the ADD itself, which I'm still not sure if….
*1- People with ADD can't focus on one idea or subject or thing for an extended period of time. Be it a book, a person, or (more prescient to my case) an idea. So excessive thought can fall under the ADD umbrella because you think so much about something that a series of imaginary branches seem to branch out into a whole other constellation of ideas that demand your time and attention (to be thought about). Yet the opposite of ADD would say that you focus “too much” on one particular thing, idea, etc. to the point of irrationality (this being my own definition of the opposite of ADD, since I wouldn't know even how to begin to investigate the opposite of a phenomenon I know very little about (besides googling “opposite of ADD” – which I may just do)). Which also happens to me, so I really don't know and haven't resolved (even in this my latest attempt) whether it's ADD or it's exact, polar opposite. (go back)
*2- By going on and on trying to somehow get across my true feelings when I utter the phrase “I don't think I'll ever be happy,” I was telling you how my mind works (the whole ADD thing), which I guess is ultimately what this is all about (although the true and knee-jerk meanings of the phrase are kind of interesting and insightful in and of themselves). But at the same time, the master plan (as the writer) was to show you, without explicitly writing it out – which I've already done and therefore ruined it (all this under the umbrella of honesty and truth with the reader (you)) how my mind works by writing a whole bunch of pages about how I really feel when I utter the phrase instead of just changing the one word necessary to achieve the desired effect (which is, in case you got lost, is to get you to understand how my mind works – as well as the secondary, less important goal, of expressing my real feelings when I say “I don't think I'll ever be happy.” The whole idea was to kind of create a parallel metaphor of my mind by way of the pages. Simply put: lots of pages is how my mind works, when all it takes to go from A to B is a simple word change. (go back)
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