Mr. President
- What I would say if I wanted to convince myself
to vote for me if I was a presidential candidate -
Thank you Bill for that kind introduction. Good afternoon members of the press and fellow Americans.
First of all, I feel as though I must apologize to anyone and everyone that has had anything to do with getting me to where I am today: a candidate to the presidency of the United States. I apologize because the person, the politician you all know me to be, really isn't.
I've faked and lied my way up the ladder to get to where I am, and believe me, it hasn't been easy. It's taken a lot of hard work to fool everyone for so long. Why did I do it? Well, it's a long story and I would rather concentrate on my campaign and telling the American people what it is I really stand for and who I really am. But I guess it's all part of the same story so here it is, in a somewhat abbreviated fashion.
When I was 19 years old I found myself working for the Republican party, with a great deal of enthusiasm for improving the country. I was a great Republican: abortion was evil and religion was literally a god-send. I had many ideas of how to serve my country, and I figured it was only a matter of gaining the experience and the knowledge of how the system worked before I could get started.
But my experience with the Republican party felt more like a constant banging of my head against a system of bureaucratic rules and mannerisms that just didn't flow with who I was. It left me tired and down.
So I did what any intelligent, young, stubborn ideologue would do: I went to work for the Democratic party. My zest for change and improvement returned to me, and I felt again the way I did right before I started working for the Republican party. I felt I had finally found the group of people I could relate to and work alongside. I ended up a Democrat more by default than anything else, I had simply picked the wrong side the first time and now I was on the right track.
I was a great Democrat. Baby killings were simply "part of life" and religion was God's way of punishing us. All was well on that first day as a Democrat, and then I got hit with a bit of the old déjà vu . Over time I came to realize that the only difference between the two parties was that they were on extreme opposites on most ideological issues. If a Democrat said yes, the Republicans answered with a stentorious no, and vice versa.
They were so extremely different they were basically identical. I found myself shocked and horrified. Did I turn to an independent party? No, as you all know I graduated top of my class at Stanford and, as an intelligent young man, I quickly realized that the system of political parties - both of them - were slaves to a much higher power under which they both had to function.
So I began to devise a way in which I could still make this country better for everyone that needed betterment and even for those who were already well off. I studied this Leviathan beast and noticed it was very protective to the point of paranoia. No one like me would ever be allowed passage through the ranks of this system into a position of actual power. That is, one where the inner workings of the system could be altered. It was, like any other self-interested living thing, watching out for its own survival. It was more worried with protecting itself than serving the people.
I quickly realized me and it would not mix. So I sat down and wrote a memo to myself. It was 27 pages long and I wrote it during a frenzied five hours until 3 a.m. in my parents' attic during a blistering summer night.
The memo detailed how I could actually "break in" to the system under an assumed identity. How tough it would be, how the odds were against me. How impossible it all was.
This excited me and I began right away. My memo changed and expanded as I went deeper and deeper into the beast, as I morphed into the exemplary politician. I groomed myself to perfection all the way up to - well - now. That is why, to me, today is such a huge victory for me, for you, for us. Someone who isn't "just another politician", but who knows exactly how everything works - since I was one for the past 25 years up until this very moment. I now have a chance at occupying the White House.
In my memo there were two things that I dedicated myself to more so than anything else. The first was what I would say if I ever found myself talking to you the very way I am doing today. My acceptance speech, if you will, for a plan that took a long time to finally come to fruition. You can imagine how many times I changed it, added, took away, extended, and amended this speech. And yesterday when I was told I would finally get a chance to give it, it hit me, it was written by me while I was pretending to be one of the very people I despised. So I tore it up and am now talking to you from the heart. This slip of paper I have simply has some bullets on it so I don't forget any of the important things I want to say. I forget things when I'm nervous, and I'm nervous today for the first time in 25 years. It's good to be back.
The second thing I really stressed in the memo was trying to answer a question - the only one I didn't have an answer to - that only you the people can answer. How would this be received it if worked? Will you trust a man who has lied his way to where he is in order to reach the one place where he can finally be honest and bring change to this obsolete system of government? Will you believe me and my first truth in 25 years? Will you read my memo?
I imagined two possible outcomes: overwhelming success at the polls and overwhelming defeat, also at the polls. Only one of those two will happen, as I see it. I don't want this vote to turn out the way others always do - whoever spends the most money and attacks the most viciously wins. That's not me. I will not attack my adversary. It's not part of me because I'm not part of it. I'm different. I don't belong here because the system is designed specifically to keep people like me out. And that's why I believe I should be here. That's the beauty of it.
You can finally say that your vote will change the way this country works. I feel as though my memo and all its annotations will better explain it. It has evolved into a 450 page behemoth, which I will make available for free on the internet and at local bookstores across the country. For free. I am not looking for a profit but for you to understand what a momentous occasion this really is for the country and its people. The book also includes a brief 10 page synopsis for those who don't have time to read 450 pages. The reason I am stressing the book/memo so much is because I think it better explains and proves that what I've done and am doing is exactly what I'm saying it is. This is not the latest in campaign strategy, this is not another ruse. I am real.
I will give you direct answers to direct questions, I will not answer by repeating a phrase many times over that does not answer the question. Now, some of my answers may not square up with a lot of you, and that's OK because that's what happens when you tell the truth. And that is really the basis of my whole campaign - tell you the truth about what I think and about my ideas for helping the people of this country.
I must confess that as I drew closer and closer to where I am today, I was tempted to continue lying and cheating in order to win the presidential election. The research and the polls say that the fake me had a pretty good chance of winning. I thought of pushing this speech back until after the elections. And then I realized that's exactly what any other typical politician would have done. But you the people need to know what it is I really am and I want you to have the choice. Here I am, you decide if you want me or if you want to keep on the path this country is on.
As you can expect, alarm sirens are going off all over Washington right now as I have officially thrown off my wolf's clothing to reveal that a clever sheep has managed to reach the very top of the hierarchy. Because I am the masses, I am you, and we need to be in control of our own country.
The process to make sure I lose has already begun. Both my party and the other party are finally cooperating to bring me down. There are, however, a few honest, brave people in the system. It's been very hard for me not to reach out to them and say "me too!" Now I hope they understand and I hope they realize how important they are in making this whole thing possible. In the end, what it all comes down to is you the people. You have the power. Don't let them distort the facts. Don't let them lie to you. Take me for what I am and if you really want change, then use your vote to say it. I am not begging for votes, I won't plead and be nice and all of that to get your vote, but I do want you to know me and what it would mean if I won. If, after you know me and the scope of this opportunity, you don't want to vote for me, I respect your decision.
As a youngster first developing this memo I imagined how thrilling it would be for a candidate to say the words I'm currently speaking to you right now. How exciting, invigorating, and optimistic I would be. And now, 25 years and six presidential elections later - it's finally happening. And suddenly I feel like I'm 19 again, my old idealistic, optimistic, excited self. I missed me, and now I'm finally me once more.
All these feelings that I imagined would one day take me to vote - actually believing the things I wanted would really be possible - are finally here. I hope that my words inspire that same zest and excitement in all the truth seekers and truth lovers who are ready to show up at the polls and say "enough is enough, it's time to do something about it."