‘Honey, we need to talk. We’ve needed to talk to for a while. I have I mean, I feel like. Can you sit?’
Q.
‘Well, lately I’ve had this incredibly guilty sensation that’s been nagging me with respects to telling you the truth.’
Q.
‘And I always have and will continue to do so. But this goes beyond that to a level of honesty and connection that I really want us to have.’
Q.
‘But please don’t take it as an attack on us. This is about taking a beautiful thing and elevating it to the next level - if that’s where it’s meant to go, of course.’
Q.
‘I know and I was afraid of that, but that’s why you have to just...- listen to me and take my words for what they mean before you jump to the totally understandable conclusion that I’m fearing you might reach if I don’t explain this as precisely as I need to.’
Q.
‘Well it might sound like that, and I can honestly tell you that only because honesty is what has gotten us to where we are now - it’s true. It’s not the first time that this has happened, that I’ve had to utter these words to a woman. I’m embarrassed and scared - fearful really - of what you might think of me for admitting this. But I have to tell you if this is going to move forward at all.’
Q.
‘I don’t know but that’s why I’m telling you this. I know it’s going to sound incredibly cliche, and my admittance to the fact that it’s cliche before saying it probably isn’t going to have the desired effect here, but I have to tell you - and it is cliche. This time, with you, it’s different.’
Q.
‘Now just hear me out OK? Yes, it’s true, it’s happened before- I’ve reached this crisis in other relationships, in every one of them actually- but they were all different in that they were the same. I know it sounds crazy but with them there was always this incredible feeling of dependancy and reliance on me that made me feel very powerful. They needed me and they would all be devastated if I left them or if anything happened to me. This was the peak of those relationships for me. I had the remote control of the relationship and I pretty much took it over whenever I wanted to.’
Q.
‘Because of that very reason. You see, after a while of making all the decisions about everything regarding the relationship - I would get bored. Once they were used to it they seemed to forget how to function as individuals - how to make a decision without me. This, admittedly, made me feel omnipotent at first. Like God. But after a while you get bored and you realize you are now with an utterly pathetic, dependant, helpless lemming that only you control. The very thing that made the relationship “good” - (by virtue of me getting what I wanted) turned the other person into the very kind that more powerful people enjoy torturing and ordering around. And I did, but I didn’t want to be with this monster anymore, only tell it what to do and punish it when it misbehaved.’
Q.
‘No that’s right. It never happened with you, and that’s why I’m telling you all this, because you are different and I feel I have to be up front with you about it all.’
‘It’s very much like a jigsaw puzzle in that you buy it in order to have something to do. You work on it and have a relatively good time doing so. You tell which pieces go where - place them- and keep going until you’re done. Then what? Some people use drama to take them apart in order to start all over again, but I’ve never been a fan of unnecessary drama, nor of doing something twice for no good reason. Others frame the puzzles and hang them on the wall, a portrait intended to show off the hard work invested into the thing, but I never did think I would get married.’
Q.
‘But that’s why I’m telling you this now before you start framing things and showing them to your parents or your sister.’
Q...
‘Well, in one sentence, that’s very difficult and I really wouldn’t want to fall into that and risk you not underst-’
Q!
‘OK let me think for a second here... I changed the way I am because of how special and different our relationship is, in that you don’t control me nor I you, we both live our own independent lives, but we live them together and that’s why I appreciate you so much and would never ever want to do anything at all to-’
Q.
‘Sorry, but this is tough. See with you I’m not in control, I don’t have the power. There is no power, neither one of us has hand, as they say. I really feel this is the most comfortable and happy I’ve ever been in a relationship because of the fact that we are equals locked into an agreement of which we each have 50% control over.’
‘I don’t tell you what to do. If I left you, I have the impression that - while it may hurt for a day or two- you would get along with your life and be fine and forget me without too much trouble.’
Q.
‘Well I don’t know. I never really think about it. I think we’re both pretty similar so yes - I think I would. Now don’t get mad, I’m just trying to truthfully explain this to you so you can feel what it is I’m going through and really truly understand me.’
Q.
‘Yes, and that’s the problem. I’ve just been spoiled -or accustomed to, really- with respects to having the power and letting my ego feed off of it. But I don’t get that with you, that’s why you’re special, and so but my ego remains hungry you see.’
Q.
‘That’s kind of a bleak, “black and white” assessment, don’t you think? Yes I’ve gotten used to, addicted you could say - to something that inevitably leads to the expiration of all my relationships - and hence it is a bad thing. And yes you and I don’t have this toxicity and that’s why that won’t be what breaks us up - which is good. But that’s doesn’t negate the fact that I’m addicted to this fatherly feeling of domination and dependancy. My ego still needs to be fed or I’ll gradually grow to be a sadder and sadder person, and neither of us want that right?’
Q.
‘OK this is it: don’t really fundamentally change anything about you or us, but every now and then just revert back into the role of the girl that I used to date. You’ve met some of them. You know how they are. This way we can still have what we have and our little problem gets solved. You’re not really compromising your personality or your authenticity because of the fact that we are having this conversation and we both implicitly will know that when you do it you are only doing it for the very purpose of our survival as a couple.’
Q...
...
Q.
‘Really? You would? Wow. Well I’ll tell you something, you really are special. Damn. That’s a great first step - I guess. I mean I come out and tell you all this and you acquiesce just like that after a brief silence.’
Q.
‘Yes, doing what I want is exactly right. Heh, well this does give me a bit of the old deja vu, I’ll tell you that much. I never thought you would agree to something like this. I guess I was wrong... I guess I was wrong the whole time. Hmmm...’
Q.
‘Well before we do that, there’s just one more thing I feel like I have to tell you. So the slate is clean and everything is out in the open. I’m terrified to tell you, but I’m going to. But listen: this thing is not good - especially after what I’ve said and what you’ve said. I’m afraid it might hurt you. Can we talk about it before we react? Can you promise?’